Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back