When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
im 7 sauces long
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Morning.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT