forgive me baja for i have blast
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.