When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Story of my life…..
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.