her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Lmfaoooooo
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh