If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.