Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I wanna be friends with this person
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.