Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
adding to the discourse
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.