Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?