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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If you know, you know
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.