My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*seductively eats two tums*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.