Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Can’t. Being lazy.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.