Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.