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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
cat vs inanimate object
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.