Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
You Might Also Like
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.