9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL