*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral