Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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