If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.