“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Close call…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.