Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”