Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW