Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask