I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Catering service
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.