hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.