If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.