My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I wish I were this cool 😂
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
True freaking story!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*