the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
all that yoga finally paid off
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”