Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
What’s a Messi?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]