Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”