Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
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Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.