when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
But wait…