When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
He took my last fry, your honor
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.