My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Nice try, poison.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.