[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”