*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?