My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Double negatives are never not confusing.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut