I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
This sounds bad:
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You sure about that?
i baked you a cake