Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.