Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
my sentiments exactly
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag