Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I only eat vegetarians.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
It’s the weekend y’all
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them