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My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I have never related to anyone more.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore