DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend