I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
You Might Also Like
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
This is a bad sign
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.