Can. I. Help. You.
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Battery falling down a hole
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape