Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
when someone rings the doorbell
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.