Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You Might Also Like
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
m’lady
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
R.I.P.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself