POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
You Might Also Like
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Goodnight 🐶
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”