my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
You Might Also Like
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”