Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.